The River and the Mirror

Always moving, always changing, always growing. Never stopping, never ceasing, never slowing.

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Finding Peace

Am I finally able to find peace?  In the brief instance that I found it, I felt at ease. I found it tonight at about 8 pm, although I think I lost it in between the third glass of wine and Netflix.  I totally had the idea that I would write this miraculous blog with all of these idioms, metaphors, hyperboles.  Nothing.  I actually have less inspiration to write now than I did earlier tonight. 

But what am I looking for?  Ultimately, peace.  I feel like I need it at this point.  All of the unrest, uncertainty and nervousness, insecurity…it needs to go.  I need to fill these negative voids with positive chi.  

More later…

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2012 Changes

I need to stop wondering what other people think and worry about myself.

New Year’s Resolution #1 – Be selfish.

Instead of trying to be such a people-pleaser, I need to just worry about myself and take care of my own needs first.  Tired of being the one who always tries to get people together.  Tired of being the one who tries to get everyone to have a good time.

There’s me again, always looking out for everyone else except myself.

I try and make sure everyone is included, makes the most of the evening, and gets along.  I’m the mediator, the peace keeper, the regulator.

New Year’s Resolution #2 – Stop making plans.

My boyfriend said it best when he said, “Plans are made to be broken.”  He’s right.  I hate to admit it, but he’s right.  I hate trying to solidify something when it only gets disrupted and shot down in the process.

Why try to be the one who runs in to save the day when no one gives a shit in the first place?

New Year’s Resolution #3 – Figure it out.

Stop trying to accommodate for people who are apathetic about what you’re doing anyway.  You try and try to accommodate and appease to those that take your friendship for granted.  You go out of your way to make them feel included to only find they don’t really care in the first place.  You step on toes to make sure their presence is acknowledged.  You try and try but to no avail.

Stop making excuses and just figure out how to get over them.

Are we really that close?  Maybe, but every time you are over-involved in my life, it complicates things.  When we’re distanced, I’m happier.  I’m calmer.  My anxiety diminishes.  I can not put myself in therapy every other week to try and rid myself of the thoughts of you.  You’re like a drug…a disease…an addiction.  I can’t get rid of you, I can only lessen the pain.

If I left and went away, would I rid myself of you?  No.  Why?  Because no matter where I am, I find you there too, in some way, shape, or form.

Please leave me alone.  Get out of my head and let me focus.

If only the manifestation of your essence would decimate.

Resolution #4 – Be strong.

You can do it.

You can say no.  You can do things on your own.  You can make your own decisions.  You can be a bitch.  You can try new things.  You can make it on your own.  You can solidify relationships that were severed before on behalf of your own stupidity and lack of logic.

You can apologize and start anew.

You can mend tears.  You can break down walls.  You can be free, focused, and driven.  You can make yourself feel good.  You can do it.

You can seek new paths and succeed.

Resolution #5 – Move on.

You can move on, forward and outward.  It’s going to be hard, but the journey of a thousand miles began with the first step.

Put your foot forward.  Bite your tongue and think before you speak.  Do not give in to immaturity or insecurity, because you are better than that.

You have others there to help pick you up when you fall, even if you fall after your first steps.  You have to keep moving, though.

Better said than done, but the done needs doing.  So do it.

And with that final notion, I leave you to your thoughts and contemplations.  Goodnight.

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Mangas I Want to Read (From Square Enix)

Including, but not limited to…

1. The Record of a Fallen Vampire
2. Yumekui Kenbun-Nightmare Inspector
3. Sumomomo, Momomo
4. Soul Eater
5. Higurashi: When They Cry Abducted By Demons Arc
6. Spiral: The Bonds of Reasoning
7. PandoraHearts
8. Nabari No Ou
9. Alice on Deadlines
10. Hero Tales
11. Fullmetal Alchemist
12. Black God
13. Black Butler
14. Bamboo Blade
15. B.Ichi

Any idea on where to get free manga?

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I’m Done Hitting “Snooze.”

Time to wake up!  Wait, no. Must…hit…snooze…

Every morning my snooze button gets a good workout.  It’s time to get up at 8 a.m.!  In reality, my actual wake up time is closer to 8:45.  But why the delay?  What is keeping me from getting out of bed when my alarm goes off?  Procrastination.  What is it that always keeps me from following through on anything or beginning something new?  Laziness does not help either.

Well, today is when I begin anew.  After this weekend’s party and good times with friends, I came to a realization.  While the memories were great, the visual depictions of myself during the festivities of Saturday night spoke to me in a different light.

The pictures I’d seen of myself made me realize just how bad I really looked.  The camera is supposed to add ten pounds, but I felt like it added twenty.  So, my intrinsic motivation for losing weight was triggered by these photos.  While delightful in thought, Saturday’s photos reminded me just how heavy I’ve become since high school (and the first few years of college); my longing to be thin again is apparent more so now than ever.

As of Monday (yesterday), I began my South Beach diet plan.  Goal?  To lose 35 pounds by Christmas.  It’s totally doable…I just have to stick to it.  That will be the hard part.  The biggest downfalls I encounter in my everyday life are in consuming grains, alcohol, and sweets (mainly carbs and alcohol).  Retraining my body to take carbs and sugar from other foods will be the hard part, too.  But with a little self-discipline (or a LOT of self-discipline!), I can do this.

So the snooze button has been officially destroyed in my life.  Time to get up and do something instead of just laying around and waiting for my alarm to go off.  I’m ready to make a life change and stick with it.  It’s been FAR too long since I’ve taken absolute care of myself.  If I want to feel up to par both mentally and emotionally, as well, I need to take care of my physical well being, which has been more than neglected as of late.  If I want to feel completely healthy, I need to have my mind, body, and spirit in check.

It’s a new day, and my snooze button is gone.  Time to wake up!

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“I just can’t find the strength to hold you up and keep you taut.” -Imogen Heap, “Canvas,” Ellipse. 

Can we find the ultimate happiness in life without sacrificing something? Is life a constant battle for finding happiness? Is it a battle of trading, of giving something up in order to have something else? Must we sacrifice a part of ourselves in order to make ourselves complete?  Can you find true happiness?

I can’t find the strength sometimes to keep myself taut. Thank God for Imogen Heap and her amazing lyrics. :) My life thus far feels as if it could be an Imogen Heap album.

Do you ever wish you had the ability to control the outcome of every situation in your life? If you can never have what you want, how can you be truly happy? By settling? By basing your decisions on what others think you should do? What will make you truly happy?

Do I follow my heart? What is my heart telling me? Constant inner struggle causes my heart and mind to collide. As a result, I become more confused and more conflicted. I am trying too hard, yet I am not trying hard enough. I am allowing myself freedom, yet I feel constrained.

How do I remedy this? I know what I want, yet I cannot obtain it. To be truly happy, will I have to let go? Will I ever have the opportunity to obtain that which is unobtainable?

So far out of reach, yet so close…

So long the wait, yet so close the destination…

So clear the situation, yet so cloudy the journey…

The steps are small. Are they effective? Unsure. Unspoken. I keep this bottled inside and don’t let it out, for fear it will retract. I know what I need to do, but I cannot do it for fear that it may be the wrong path.

Unspoken. Unaccounted for. Unwilling to budge.

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Music for the Masses

How can you be selfish and selfless at the same time? Personal dilemma. I feel like I have to give give give, yet I neglect myself in the process. But at the same time, I have to be selfish and look out for my own needs, right?

How can I do all of this and still keep my sanity? As a constant people pleaser, it’s so hard to look out for my own interests. I know I should, but I can’t. It’s not as simple as saying, “Just stop,” and then stopping. This takes a lot of time and a lot of patience with myself and my situation.

Taking time out for myself and spending some time alone would not be such a bad thing at this point.


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